WARNING: Reflection on anxiety, depression and suicide are contained within for those who prefer to not read about such things.

June 10th 2023 - I wanted to explain why I'm the way I am. Where my head has been and is at. It involves my mental health which is a term I don't use loosely. People are encouraged to be open about mental health which is a good thing. I was brought up not to and still struggle with being open. I've lived my life into adulthood believing it's selfish to think of my own mental health when others have it worse. As such, difficult as this is for me to do, I've decided to share this.

You know those Daily Doses of Dakota Kai and Tegan Nox History? I often queue those Tweets up in batches not knowing if I'll have decided to take my own life before all of them go live. Anxiety. Depression. Feeling worthless. Wondering if I'm just a waste of space. Real life and beyond. Being open about such can and should be a positive thing. Sadly, it can also make a person feel even more alone.

I've shared bits here and there about why I connected with Dakota Kai's final NXT storyline and how it brought about what became Team Kick Source. But I don't recall going into more detail, notably regarding the real life. Pro-wrestling might seem like an odd form of therapy for one's mental health. But for me that's exactly what Dakota Kai's NXT redemption story was.

I won't go into full detail as I prefer my personal life to be private. But I will say I'm a Type 1 Diabetic whose had some woes in recent years. In the last few years, I've started to disconnect with people again due to anxiety and depression. Hershee my wonderful Chocolate Labrador has been here with me through all this. If not for her, I wouldn't still be alive.

My decision to start a web project about Dakota Kai took shape in October 2021. I had always wanted to do a web project about pro-wrestling. Yet, I wanted my other web project to be established first. I finally felt it was. So it was time to get involved in the fandom aspect of something else I've watched for years: Pro-Wrestling.

I was at a low point in real life, even considering suicide after not for years. I saw starting with Dakota's Halloween Havoc vignettes what felt like a story that would build to her overcoming her demons as I hoped to mine. There was that segment where Dakota said she didn't know who she was anymore and felt cloudy in the head. That's how I felt: Lost, Uncertain, Alone.

It was a story I felt a connection with, even though for a time I was merely clinging to the hope it would reach the point I hoped to see: Dakota Kai overcoming her demons and turning face. But it did. She buried her past, rediscovering the power of friendship through her partnership with Wendy Choo. To me, "unhinged" Dakota was actually her fighting within herself. She was alone with no one to encourage her better angels trying to resurface as hinted with stuff. To the other characters, she was just a bad person until Wendy Choo still saw the good in her. Her redemption story allowed her to find happiness, and she got to be a heroine again. As a Dakota Kai fan, it's a memory I treasure because it's realistic the character of Dakota Kai may never be a face again.

The Dakota web project went online November 2021 with an article called "The Broken Soul Within Dakota Kai". My efforts to reach out and bring awareness of it flopped. I tried sites about wrestlers, women's wrestling, even some news sites that posted articles. None responded. Outside of the three people who previewed it, I'd be surprised if anyone ever noticed it on the Dakota blog I set up and tweeted about even before the article went live. One of those persons suggested some people to contact but they were closed off and understandably wanted nothing to do with a nobody in the fandom. I felt rightfully like a failure because I was and deserved to be.

I kept hope my luck might someday change for the better, deciding to expand the blog to an online scrapbook to continue chronicling Dakota's hopeful redemption story. It was therapy to watch and write about a work of fiction, keeping hope for a conclusion that felt realistic yet might never come. The months passed. Finally, Dakota had fought her demons and won. It brought me happiness to write about both the journey and finally that conclusion. Dakota's story helped me through a rough time in my life by letting me cling to hope for something when I needed that. It gave me hope if her character could overcome her demons, maybe someday I could overcome mine. Dakota's story wasn't my only inspiration. Tegan overcoming her knee issues and continuing to pursue her dream has been inspiring. Her story of bonding with her grandfather over pro-wrestling has always connected too as it was similar with my grandparents.

So that is how and why "The Broken Soul" scrapbook site eventually became Team Kick Source, a fansite and photo resource about the work of both Dakota Kai and Tegan Nox.

Much to my shame, anxiety has distanced me from interacting more online including my effort to get more involved with the Dakota and Tegan fandoms. When I tried for a few months via my personal Twitter in Fall 2021 before any of the project stuff, outside of a few nice people I'm grateful to, I felt ignored and unwelcome. When I opened a Twitter for Team Kick Source later on, I decided just to log in to put out tweets about storylines, site content, social media content, etc. I never get any email notifications about Twitter so either I set them up wrong or what I do simply isn't of interest. Speaking of failures, when reaching out for advice and/or affiliates in the pro-wrestling fansite world some months ago, just like with reaching out about the article I never got responses, further feeling like an outcast and failure whose just not good enough. Even though it hurts to feel that way, I don't hold any ill feelings toward anyone.

I would love to put out fansite and social media content AND be more interactive with people such as taking part in conversations, sharing others tweets and works, and just being part of a community. Every time I feel I'm ready to try again, my anxiety gets the better of me. Based off my failures, I fear I'm just a bad person who deserves to be ignored and unwelcome. I fear that myself and Team Kick Source along with any efforts to be involved in the Dakota and Tegan fandoms are seen as a dirt stain people would rather avoid. Me not being part of the big numbers crowd on social media may very well be a turnoff to people including in the big numbers crowd. As such, I understandably might be viewed as someone incapable of providing anything of worth. To be fair, perhaps I don't actually offer anything of worth to you guys. The Dakota and Tegan fandoms are considered two of the nicest in wrestling fandom so I'm certain the problem has to me. I place blame only on myself.

Not knowing for certain if one has failed or had some success gives the person hope to cling to. Until they know. If they have succeeded, it's something to build on. Nothing is built overnight but if I've failed after over a year trying, is there still hope for success? How will I feel when I see how much Team Kick Source the Fansite and Twitter has failed? Or has it actually not failed? After getting no emails from hopeful visitors for a time, when I check will there finally be some? Am I allowed to be proud of any of this if it's a failure? Am I a laughing stock, or so irrelevant I don't even qualify to be that? I hope to be accepted by the fandoms yet fear I've said and/or done something to deservedly make me not welcome.

Someday I hope I can overcome my fears and anxiety and be more interactive and social. I hope I can earn the respect of my fellow fans and the fandoms. The Team Kick Source work I do is fun but only truly means something if others benefit from it and can enjoy it. For now, I hope the fansite content and Twitter stuff like Daily Doses of Dakota and Tegan History are useful if even entertaining to people. I hope hyping up stuff like Tegan Nox's Main Event matches serves a purpose since I'm a nobody with no reach. If there are some out there with interest in Team Kick Source, Thank You for any support you have given.

I don't want to be someone, I just want to be useful. I strive to make all of Team Kick Source the best resource about the work of both Dakota and Tegan that I can. I want it to respect and honor their work. I want it to be positive like they are. I've never done this to compete with or spite anyone. As someone whose been in the fansite world for years, multiple resources for a wrestler/celebrity are only a positive because one resource will always offer some content the other(s) don't or not as soon. Even in the age of social media, fan run sites can still be useful.

I've seen in the past that Dakota Kai/Charlie and Tegan Nox/Nixon follow some social media fan accounts that are about their work. I hope someday the @dakotakaitales Team Kick Source Twitter will be worthy of a follow to both Dakota and Tegan. That's never been my reason for the work I do, though it would mean a lot. I hope someday what I do will be of enough worth to people to earn such a privilege. I hope I'm not a bad fan and annoyance.

All that said, hoping for success is a good feeling to have. But it doesn't change that I still feel worthless everyday in real life too. If I'm not of worth to people in real life or beyond, that makes me question if I'm actually just taking up space breathing air I don't deserve to breathe. In recent months I've started again to consider taking my own life. Years ago when I considered taking my own life on a regular basis, I thought myself weak for not being able to go through with it. Eventually, I felt stronger for not being able to do it. Lately there are days and nights where I wish I was weak so I could take my own life. I'm hoping I'll never give-in. I want to feel at peace in life not death.

Thank you for taking your time and kindness to read all this.

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